Kid Rock, that white guy who used to yell “Bawitaba” incessantly while dirt-bikes did jumps over his head, once saved a hometown clothing line, “Made In Detroit”, from bankruptcy.

Irony, however, has a crude sense of humor, as it has been uncovered that the clothing from “Made in Detroit” is not actually made in Detroit, as reported by Detroit Free Press correspondent Susan Tompor. Sometimes the clothing is not even made in the United States. This makes the company’s tagline, “BUY ONLY GENUINE MADE IN DETROIT(R) PRODUCTS” that much more ridiculous.

So congratulation, Kid Rock. As the most iconic face of that company, we salute you.

His wife, international model Giselle Bundchen, had other ideas as she defended her husband from hecklers after the game, proclaiming “You (have) to catch the ball when you’re supposed to catch the ball. My husband cannot (bleeping) throw the ball and catch the ball at the same time. I can’t believe they dropped the ball so many times.”

Well, we’re really not surprised. While jokes have always flown around about who wears the pants in the family, anyone who’s ever been married knows that a woman will defend her husband…even if he may not want her to.

It’s all but decided who our winners will be this year as our British bookie seems to be running away with the prize between the commentators. Luckily, no-one gave up on cracking a few jokes about the game.

Next year, we hope to be bigger and better, and may even fit some fantasy football in the mix. Good luck players! We will post all winners with ridiculous presentation speeches later in the week.

Sunday, February 2nd, 2012

VS

New York Giants VS New England Patriots

LINE: Patriots by 3

Rob Wheatley:

So this is what it has all come down to. These two teams face each other like prawns on a chessboard, sorry, pawns on a cheeseboard. The mighty Giants versus the mighty Patriots in a mighty stand-off of mightily mighty proportions. One team will leave this arena as victors and take their place on the golden steps of adoration, basking in the unconditional love from their fans. The other team will exit out of a door in the back, through the sewers and avoiding any floating turds that may be snapping at their ankles. This is a cruel game, and no amount of  preparation, sweat, forward planning or skill will ever get the upper-hand to Lady Luck, for when Mistress Fate and her pointing finger of misery are looking out for you, (some sort of special ‘eye-finger’ I guess ?), forcing you randomly to  stumble or fumble ,then you might as well saddle up and get the bus home and tell that fat lady to stub out the Stogie because there’s no singing where she’s going and you should know because you’ve just come from there. And watch out for the turds. My Spider-senses are telling me to pick Patriots for this one, but I’m going to ignore that and go for the Giants instead, because in this game there can only really be one winner, and that’s me. My totally random picks this year have beaten the experts here at the Owl, which sort of proves my point…anyway Lard-ass, give us a tune !!  Pick: Giants

Darby Shaw:

This game is all about history repeating itself. The Giants receiving corps returns exactly… umm… let me check the box score here… zero players who caught a pass in the Super Bowl four years ago. Okay, never mind. On the DEFENSIVE side, where it matters for the Giants, the leading tackler from Super Bowl XLVI is… err, gone. And the second-leading tackler is…. crap. Gone. But at least Michael Strahan will be… in the studio. Okay, let’s try the Patriots. Hey, look! They still have Wes Welker, so the rest of the receivers must… oh. Be gone. But that was a great defensive team. Rodney Harrison, Teddy Bruschi, Richard Seymour, Junior Seau, Mike Vrabel, surely they all… ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? All the talking heads are talking about a “rematch” for two weeks, and most of the players on both teams from four years ago are gone? The only thing consistent about this game is that Tom Petty will have been the halftime performer at both games.

I will say that my Super Bowl experience will be a rematch between me and alcohol. And this year, alcohol won’t be heaving over the end-line to hand me a last-second loss. More likely, it’ll be a blowout. Pick: Giants

Steve Elle:

So if you listen to the pundit,s the Pats don’t have a chance in this game. If you listen to the odds makers, they have slim chance. I think the way the pundits are drawing their conclusions is by looking at 2 games: the 2008 Super Bowl and this season’s Pats/Giants matchup. As everyone knows, the Giants beat the Pats in the 2008 Super Bowl. New England came off of an unbeaten season and looked to dominate the Giants. The Pats actually controlled most of that game until Eli Manning improbably escaped from pressure and David Tyree made an impossible catch that was so impossible he actually never caught another ball in the NFL. True story. Anyway, miracle finish and all that. This season they also played a close game that NY came out on top of. So why wouldn’t this game be the same? The Giants’ vaunted defensive line is, if anything, better than the 2008 line. New England had Randy Moss at wideout then; who do they have now? N0, he’s a tight end. Do you know who one of their CB’s is? A little Jewish WR named Justin Edelman. Giants in a blowout, right? I don’t think so. I do think it’ll be close but I think that somehow New England finds a way to win this game. I could be wrong. Both teams could have easily lost in their respective Championship games. But they didn’t. They deserve to be in the Super Bowl. Tom Coughlin is a good coach. Eli Manning has proven to be a very good QB. But Belichick and Brady could be feeling like this is their last really good shot at a championship together. With the ghost of Myra Kraft looming large over the Patriots organization, I believe they’ll find a way to victory. Pick: Patriots

Evil Peyton Manning:

The championship game for America’s current past-time is always rife with excitement. Whether the game is won by 3 points or 30 points, you can bet that people who don’t even watch football will be calling in sick for America’s unofficial federal holiday the Monday after. Is it because the talent levels of teams like the New England Patriots and New York Giants are so high that the anticipation is contagious? Is it because fans see Eli Manning finally coming out of his shell as a quality quarterback while Tom Brady seems to be slowly fading into his next life as a product spokesperson? Is it because the playoff runs of these two teams was nothing short of epic?

I think one question put forth to players of both teams by a news reporter sums up the focus of this Super Bowl in the eyes of the public: Can you name everyone in the cast of Jersey Shore?

Miss newscaster, you are deserving of a Peabody award. Pick: Giants

__________________________________

RECORDS

___________________________________

ANALYSTS

Rob Wheatley: 134-120

Darby Shaw: 127-127

Steve Elle: 122-132

Evil Peyton Manning: 122-132

___________________________________

___________________________________

CONTEST

T.O. : 140-114

Obi-Wallace: 134-120

AmyC: 130-124

Beta Boy: 128-126

JMcG: 124-130

Corrupted Clown: 124-130

RickyB: 122-132

Giants Chick: 113-141

Mike Marbles Francesa: 113-141

Angelicus Rex: 111-143

La Princessa: 13-241

JohnnyO: 9-245

The weather predictions of the Pennsylvanian groundhog have been correct without fail for 125 years, according to the highly impartial Punxsutawney Phil website, and this year could prove to be no different.

“Six more weeks of this winter? Sounds good to me. That means I’ll never have to close the golf course,” stated country club owner Bill Watson.

This recent prediction was further strengthened when last year’s prediction of an early Spring came to fruition.

As word of Phil’s prediction spreads across the country, residents have begun trading in rock salt for grass seed, skis for surfboards, and winter coats for bathing suits.

Still, one individual disagrees with Punxsutawney Phil: Staten Island Chuck.

The New York groundhog apparently did not see his shadow, predicting an early Spring, which would most likely bring about harsh snowstorms and freezing rain. Elderly residents of the state of New York have begun preparing for their annual move to Florida, although they may stay down south until early June due to the forecast.

Scientists are unsure which groundhog to believe, particularly when Staten Island Chuck seems to be perpetually tan.

“The fact is, we don’t know where these groundhogs go when they burrow into their holes,” explained Prof. Charles Honeycutt. “For all we know, they thought they popped out in Australia or Argentina, where the seasons are backwards. Maybe they got drunk in Miami last night and got confused. It’s hard to tell.”

Courtesy of Rick's Cabaret NYC

New York, NY: The gorgeous dancers at Rick’s Cabaret New York, the famous gentlemen’s club in midtown Manhattan, are predicting the Giants will win the Super Bowl next Sunday. With in depth research of the health of players, poignant match-ups of strengths and weaknesses on offense and defense and how those characteristics play against the New England Patriots, and an in-depth analysis of Bill Belichick’s psyche, the ladies of Rick’s Cabaret have found irrefutable evidence that the New York Giants will indeed win Super Bowl XLVI.

“I’ve met so many pro athletes here,” said Rick’s Cabaret Girl Tiara (36D-25-35). “The Giants are my favorites. They are always so nice to us. I am rooting for them and I think they will beat the Patriots.”

Rick’s Cabaret Girl Stefanie (33B-23-33) agreed. ”Some of the Giants players were just here. I won’t mention any names because we respect everyone’s privacy. What I can tell you is that they seemed cool, calm, and confident. And that’s a winning combination.”

Rick’s Cabaret Girl Brandi (36D-24-36) said, “the Giants had a great year and they have momentum on their side. It will be a close game, but I expect them to win.”

Rick’s Cabaret Girl Alex (34C-24-34) had an unusual reason for favoring the Giants. “Eli Manning looks great in his uniform and he has the best buns,” she purred.

Now, we give the gag the classy send-off it deserves in the most epically ridiculous way.

You’re welcome.

Click here to view the video on YouTube.

Courtesy of South Park Studios

The decision was made shortly after the New England Patriots narrowly defeated the Baltimore Ravens in the AFC Championship game when Ravens kicker Billy Cundiff botched a game-tying field goal in the final seconds.

“It just seemed to be a good time to put up a gate,” explained building contractor Brian McGrady. “The weather has been surprisingly warm, and the ground hasn’t frozen over yet because of that. I’m sure there is no ulterior motive to this project.”

It would make sense that such a reserved individual as Belichick would erect fences around his home, but the idea of adding so many gates can be confusing. The first gate went up in 2001, tucked away near the back of the property. The second gate went up in 2007 as part of a security measure for Belichick’s property. The 3rd gate came just after the end of the 2011 regular season, imported from Missouri to replace a more broken-down gate.

This 4th gate will be the first gate set up to create a visual peephole into Belichick’s property from the front, although the contractor Brian McGrady has stated that it really isn’t a gate at all, but an additional section of fence where they had accidentally placed hinges where there should have been welding involved.

Local building inspectors have not commented on the construction, and a spokesperson from the Weston building department has stated that there will be no investigation.

While many of the winners in our contest seem to be in order down this last stretch, the most important game cannot be overlooked, for the sake of the NFL: the Pro Bowl! Where else can you see a scrimmage game between the top athletes that aren’t in the Super Bowl that means absolutely nothing? At least MLB’s All-Star game gives home-field advantage for the World Series.

Sunday, January 29th, 2012

VS

AFC VS NFC

LINE: EVEN

Darby Shaw:

Welcome to the most pointless game of the season not involving the St. Louis Rams. It’s a game involving the best players in the league! Well, okay, the most popular players in the league. Well, okay, the most popular players who aren’t in the Super Bowl. Or injured. Or faking an injury. This year’s roster is full of rookie quarterbacks, over-the-hill name-recognition picks, and the usual blend of “who’s that guy” on the offensive lines (well, except for D’Brickashaw Ferguson, after whom I will name my first-born son). This year’s exciting news about the Pro Bowl is two-fold. First, it has returned to Hawaii, so now super-rich players once again get a free tropical vacation. And two, there will be a “Twitter zone” where players are allowed to tweet during this game; expect lots of plays with only 7-10 players on the field as big-mouth technophiles fiddle with their phones rather than paying attention to the game. Pick: NFC-LOSS

Rob Wheatley:

I’ve been reliably informed (or blatantly mislead into thinking ) that this game is a bit of a comedy strap-on, bunged onto the end of the season in order to give the sponsors a fighting chance at actually selling some product at this commercial dead-zone time of year.  For me though, it’s a total pain in the arse. There are no overly dramatic or animalistic team names to get my teeth into, so no chance of any flights of fancy delving into the sex life of the Viking or debating whether dolphins really do have buttocks. No chance even of making endless filthy anagrams containing the word ‘pants’ out of team name ‘Carolina Panthers’.
But at least there will be a bunch of shiny helmets, and that always makes me laugh.
I’m going with the AFC to win, I’ve seen that Nelson Mandela on the news, and I reckon if he can do all that President of Africa stuff, then he can probably throw a ball at someone for an hour. Pick: AFC-WIN

Evil Peyton Manning:

While many football fans believe they have a week break to actually do something besides watch football this Sunday before the culmination of the season with the Super Bowl and an unrelated sick day in the morning, this is just not so. The biggest and brightest stars of the most followed sport in America will…wait…Some of the best players not in the Super Bowl will empty the tank in a spectacular showing of…er…Randomly selected football players from each conference will face off in an All-Star game of honor and…crap…The NFL has rented out a stadium in Hawaii to televise some randomly selected professional athletes playing catch for an hour. This is the Pro Bowl. Excited? You betcha. Pick: NFC-LOSS

Steve Elle:

(Apparently, Steve Elle was so excited about the Pro Bowl that he promptly forgot that such a game existed. Either that, or his team had a poor showing in votes, and he is revolting against the game.)-LOSS

__________________________________

RECORDS

___________________________________

ANALYSTS

Rob Wheatley: 134-120

Darby Shaw: 127-127

Steve Elle: 122-132

Evil Peyton Manning: 122-132

___________________________________

___________________________________

CONTEST

T.O. : 140-114

Obi-Wallace: 134-120

AmyC: 130-124

Beta Boy: 128-126

JMcG: 124-130

Corrupted Clown: 124-130

RickyB: 122-132

Giants Chick: 113-141

Mike Marbles Francesa: 113-141

Angelicus Rex: 111-143

La Princessa: 13-241

JohnnyO: 9-245

Those who viewed the podium bout were filled with questions, and hopefully were given answers, however I had an appointment to have my nose-hairs plucked out by a chicken, and could not be one of the audience.

Luckily, the internet has a wide range of images depicting the debate from beginning to end, so I will explain what happened to the best of my abilities.

_________________________________________________

Phase 1: The National Anthem

While not the most poignant time of a debate, a candidates activities during the national anthem can show how well each candidate acts during such a public time of expression. For some, like Mitt Romney, activities may include trying to serenade Wolf Blitzer off-camera. For others, like Rick Santorum, a well-placed mumbling of incoherent words may pass in order to protect the fact that he never learned to read. Others like Newt Gingrich and Ron Paul may not do anything during the national anthem, unsure of where they even are or what’s going on.

_________________________________________________

Phase 2: Slander Protection, or Initial Strikes

Adamant about not being overrun about his infidelity scandal from 1998, New Gingrich began the proceeding by explaining just how he fondled his intern’s breast in order to woo her. When Wolf Blitzer explained that he merely asked the candidate to state his name, he calmly put his arm down.

_________________________________________________

Phase 3: Thinning the Herd

Unfortunately, due to some iffy Santorum Salad, Rick Santorum needed to excuse himself from the debate in order to self-deport a “stomach problem.”

_________________________________________________

Phase 4: Debate

The debate finally gained some steam when the candidates were able to get a grip on the most poignant debate topic: penis size.

It was a debate point that even a man with 3 wives couldn’t take away from Newt Gingrich.

Luckily for Romney, he did have an edge on a 76 year old.

_________________________________________________

Phase 5: Trickery

Ron Paul used everything he learned from watching the Harry Potter series as a last-ditch attempt to make his opponents look like drooling simpletons.

Surprisingly, it worked. Or, did it?

_________________________________________________

Phase 6: Closing Address

In order to shop their hipness, and not their hip replacements, the trio of Gingrich, Romney, and Paul posed for a Charlie’s Angels tribute. Rumors of a swimsuit photo-shoot have been unfounded.

The plans came shortly after Zooey recorded her hit Youtube video, “What Are You Doing New Year’s Eve” with Joe Gordon-Levitt. Rumors that the break-up between Gibbard and Deschanel began when Gibbard refused to take part in the song have yet to be determined, along with the idea that Deschanel and Gordon-Levitt were romantically involved.

“When you have two people so entrenched in their art as musicians, activities such as that video are like a form of infidelity,” explained psychologist Dr. Martin Crowe. “In Ben’s mind, Joe might as well have been plowing Zooey from behind in the middle of Sunset Boulevard at noon while wearing a ‘Death Cab for Cutie’ T-shirt. Instead, they did a duet on a popular file-sharing website.”

While the cause of the “Death Cab for Cutie” tour may be depressing, many fans are excited.

“I’m hoping they play their albums Transatlanticism and Plans straight through, and forget they ever recorded the later ones,” stated fan-boy Elroy Blanchard. “Maybe [Ben] Gibbard will take up drinking again and get back to his awesomely depressing songs. Better yet, he’ll release another album by The Postal Service.”