Vancouver, BC- CANADA: Shia LaBeouf, the awkward-looking "star" of the famously horrific 'Transformers' franchise has, after much consideration, decided on his fallback career. LaBeouf knows that, sooner or later, his luck will run out and moviegoers will realize that he lacks both the talent and the good looks required to be a marquee star....
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In the note, which has been released publicly, Eggerson, 40, pointed to the firing of Charlie Sheen from Two and a Half Men as a primary reason for his suicide. According to the note, titled “My Reasons For Eating Jif,” other causes included his inability to “hold down a stinking job,” maintain a relationship...
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Odessa, FL: John Higginbottom, 30, just celebrated his 10th year working for Wal-Mart and could not be happier. To mark the occasion, he purchased a dozen cupcakes from his store's bakery and shared them with several employees in the break room on Tuesday afternoon. The cupcakes were gone in a matter of minutes...
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Today, the Center for Disease Control released a comprehensive list of the least active states, and Alabama tops that list. According to the CDC, more than 29 percent of the state's residents dedicate no time to physical activity - a figure that could lead to increased risks of obesity, diabetes, heart disease and other...
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Portland, ME: In a bold and decisive move, local know-it-all John Wether decided to raise the price of his thoughts this week. For the past thirty-one years, Wether has charged a penny for his thoughts, opinions, and mumbles. Critics charge that the price is too high, but Wether disagrees. "False," said Wether. "With the...
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Pittsburgh, PA: Hines Ward, Steelers wide receiver and the man long recognized as the village idiot of Pittsburgh, suddenly stopped smiling this morning after realizing that his team, the Pittsburgh Steelers, lost Super Bowl XLV. Fans have been wondering what took so long for the realization to set in.
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Munich, GERMANY: The Nutrition Journal recently published a study that suggests that eating a large breakfast regularly can lead to weight gain. Meanwhile, the public, specifically the American public, has been told for three hundred years that the right way to start the day is with a big breakfast. Many have taken "big breakfast"...
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Memphis, TN: Frayser High School has finally, after years of competing with Elvis Presley's Graceland, become well-known as a tourist attraction. Unfortunately, its claim to fame is not for academics, sports, or famous alumni. Instead, it is known as the school where 90 of its students, most of them female, are either pregnant or...
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South Bend, IN: Researchers at Notre Dame have published a study claiming that video game addicts, also known as "gamers," lose their virginity long after their non-gaming peers. The study, which was conducted over a three-year-long span, states that the average gamer loses his or her virginity around the age of thirty-four, whereas...
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Newark, NJ: The Transportation Safety Administration and its controversial screening procedures have come under fire yet again. A 16-year-old boy, whose name is being withheld due to his age, has accused TSA Employee Lloyd Wright of taking his virginity during a recent pat-down at Newark Liberty International Airport last week. The boy, who was...
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